Is it ok to cancel?

Guilt has got me and thanks to my Mothers use of it during my childhood it has the impact of a Vulcan death grip.

I have a new friend that I want to get to know and unfortunately my schedule the last two times I was supposed to see her didn't line up - I had to cancel at the last minute. I hate that. I hate being the person who cancels especially when I said "let's go out" or "I want to be there".

At the time the outings were scheduled that was absolutely true, then life happened. I was tired, I was in a meeting that went too long, I had not been to the gym in days or I was just not in the mood to socialize. This morning I pondered what is better - do I go anyway and hope that I will get my second wind or is it acceptable to cancel?

There have been many times when I did "go anyway" and I found that I was not present for the person. My mind was so numb from a day of emails, meetings, stress and life that I would be sitting across the table watching a mouth move but only registering how good the wine tastes.

I was thinking about this guilt and its connection to how the world seems to work now-a-days. I have been around long enough to remember a time when things really were slower, that is not just something old people say when they can't figure out the internet. The first office I worked in had a multi-line phone and was considered high tech. Now my day never ends and I feel bad when I decide to get off the ride for one evening instead of finally catching the person I have been trying to connect with usually for weeks at a time.

I hope my friend understands that I do want to see her; I just want to do it when we are both able to be present for each other. Friends deserve more then just a quick get together. Friends deserve an ear that is really hearing, a heart that is really open and attention that is focused on them.

If I can't deliver that I hope everyone I know will understand my cancelling and reschedule with me for a better time.